How has the easing of lockdown improved your wellbeing?

You might think that a picture of a group of people drinking has no place on a website dedicated to your wellbeing and, in some ways, it doesn't. It's certainly not the alcohol that's the most important element of the picture. Far from it. It's the fact that the people are together, socialising, and enjoying themselves.

Our lives have been changed in so many ways over the past 15 months. We've had many of our freedoms taken away and realised the importance of many things that we simply took for granted.

So what is it about the recent easing of lockdown that's been most helpful in improving your wellbeing? Maybe it's:

Getting to see family and friends.

Studies have suggested that the strength of a person's social circle might be a better predictor of stress, happiness and wellbeing than some fitness tracker data. So, going to the pub for a drink with friends could actually be just as important as going for your morning run! Who knew???

I can't find the reference, but one of my all-time favourite research studies was done on a group of elderly folk who were suffering from mild depression. During the study, half of the participants took part in regular exercise sessions, whilst the others got together for regular tea and biscuit mornings. The results? Both groups saw equal improvements in their mood (and in other markers of wellbeing too)! It seemed just the act of being with others was enough to improve wellbeing. Wonderful news to my ears, as that means not only can I go to the pub, I can have biscuits too!!! ;-)

NOTE: All in moderation of course. It's all about balance.

Freedom

Human beings have been fighting to protect their freedoms for millennia, and no doubt will continue to do so for thousands more years to come. Being able to choose, to do what we want, when we want to, is an essential element of our wellbeing.

Autonomy is well recognised as being vital in so many aspects of our lives. As a child, we grow up wanting the freedom to be able to do the things we want, and this certainly causes a few arguments with our parents along the way! In the workplace, autonomy is recognised as one of the key elements that help workers to feel valued and, consequently, increases the loyalty someone feels towards an organisation, and the productivity of their work.

Many of our simplest freedoms have been missing this past year. The freedom to go where we want to, see who we like, partake in many of our favourite hobbies and pastimes. Maybe getting this back, even just a little, has been the thing you've treasured most in recent weeks?

Spontaneity

'Shall we go out for dinner tonight?' When was the last time you said that? These days, it's more like 'I best book a table at the pub for two weeks Tuesday, just in case they get full.'

I know this is one of the things I've missed hugely. When we did our ride last year, I was hoping that we'd be able to just take each day as it comes, see how far we could go, and then, late afternoon pop into a campsite or B&B that we were passing to see if they had any space. The reality was much different. We had to plan every stay a week or more in advance and stick rigidly to our schedule.

I guess spontaneity is all part of freedom. To be able to go where the wind blows us, to drift on the tide, enjoy the ride, and see where we end up.

Variety

'What day is it?' How many times have you asked that question in recent times? When all days feel the same, it really is hard to tell!

Weirdly, having some structure in our lives also provides us with variety. We know that we do specific things on certain days and at certain times, work being the obvious example. But it's the structure of a working week that allows evenings and weekends to feel like such a wonderful change.

As a self-employed person, I've had to work hard for years to ensure I kept variety in my week. To limit myself to working on certain days between certain times, and even in specific places in the house. It's a vital part of wellbeing. It allows us to compartmentalise our lives into work time, family time, me time, and any other time that's important.

Variety really is the spice of life, so it's quite understandable that many people have found the monotony of lockdowns such a challenge. Hopefully, now your freedoms are beginning to return, you've started to feel like your life has both more structure and more variety again?

How has the easing of lockdown improved your wellbeing?

I’d love to know, so please do reply and tell me in the comments box below. And whatever your reasons, long may it continue!

We had some great news

We have had some great news

It was a drab, grey day in November and I was stood outside an equally drab, grey building waiting to hear from Lou. The building in question was the Royal United Hospital in Bath, and Lou was inside awaiting a scan to see if we had lost our baby. Because of the bloody virus, up and down the country Lou, and other women like her, were having to go through the ordeal of tests like this all alone. All their partners could do was sit outside and wait for news.

‘Had the scan. It’s not the news we wanted I’m afraid.’

I was sat on one of those yellow grit boxes outside the hospital entrance when her text came through. Was the cold, yellow plastic slippery all of a sudden? Or was I just sinking to the floor? Down into the bowels of the Earth, through the tarmac path, through the worms and soil. Dragged deeper and deeper into the damp, dark, underworld of sadness and despair. The rain began to fall. I felt cold and lost.

The building looked uglier than ever to me now. Inside that concrete castle somewhere, Lou was sat, alone, having to grieve the loss of our child. She may have been only a few hundred metres away, but it may as well have been eternity. I couldn’t see her, couldn’t reach her, hold her close, and tell her that it was going to be alright. Because that is what this virus has done to people. It has driven a stake through those vital moments in life - of grief and of joy - when people need to be together. That very day Lou and I could have walked into a supermarket together and carried out our weekly grocery shop, but we weren’t able to be together at a time when we really needed to be. If you’re wondering, I don’t blame anyone for this. Certainly not the wonderful doctors, nurses, reception staff, porters, and cleaners within those four walls. Not even the government for their sometimes-nonsensical rules. This has been a time of great uncertainty, of things that have never gone before, of learning as we go, and of doing what we can. I just wish that it hadn’t needed to be that way, that’s all.

I hauled myself up from the floor. I had to be strong. Lou would be out soon, and she would need my support. Through the windows above, I could see nurses scurrying by, working hard to help others like they always do, but with added pressure on their own lives. A steady stream of large-bellied ladies headed in and out of the large glass doors, a cruel reminder of appointments we would now not get to experience. Scans that we wouldn’t get to see. Stubby, pink, new-born fingers and toes we would never get to feel.

Eventually, Lou emerged through the glass sliding doors, now glistening brightly in the bright sunshine that often follows the rain. But it still felt like a grey day. We held each other and cried, then we climbed into the van and drove away.

---

We had only discovered Lou was pregnant a few days before the end of our long-distance charity bike ride. In fact, it turned out she had cycled half of our trip, around 1,000 miles, whilst pregnant. Her tiredness and breathing challenges made more sense now. We thought it had simply been the difficulties of the challenge, coupled with the ongoing breathing problems she had been experiencing over the past year, and for which she’d been undergoing various tests of her heart.

By the time we discovered Lou was pregnant, we’d already made the decision to pause our adventure for the year in a few days’ time anyway. Virus cases were rising across Britain, more local lockdowns were being enforced, and the weather was turning. We knew it was the right decision, but we both hated the fact that we were stopping. We’d set out to complete the challenge, and we didn’t want to give in. Once Lou told me the news though, I was glad we weren’t continuing. I’d been worried enough when I felt responsible for keeping Lou safe. Now I had to make sure I protected her and our unborn child. I considered suggesting we stop straight away, but I knew what she was like and that she would say no. Our plan was to make it through all of the National Parks and National Scenic Areas in Scotland, tipping over the 2,000-mile mark. Exactly halfway towards the total, and meaning that when we did start again in future, we’d be straight back over the border into England for a whole new leg to the adventure. When we rolled into Melrose on that final Friday, I was delighted to have experienced all the things we had over those few months, but more than anything I was relieved that all members of our new family had made it through safely.

Of course, we knew from the outset that miscarriages, especially in the first 12 weeks, are common. We’d heard the statistics that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. It doesn’t mean you expect it to happen though, and it certainly doesn’t make it any easier to bear when it does occur. You want it so badly that you just hope everything will be ok. You hope that being fit and healthy will increase the chances that everything will be fine. But it doesn’t work like that.

And because miscarriage is so common, it’s often considered perceived wisdom not to tell anyone about the pregnancy in the early stages. But as Lou rightly pointed out in the days after we’d lost Squidge (this was as far as we’d got in the naming process), when you do lose a baby, you then have two pieces of news to tell people - you did have some great news, but very sadly now you don’t. And there’s a danger at this point that it’s now so difficult to talk about, that you bottle everything up inside. Our closest family knew what had happened, but the isolation brought about by the latest lockdown meant that we just didn’t really have the opportunity to tell many people.

---

What followed made it even harder for Lou. We were struggling to find somewhere to live. Whilst the wonderful support from our parents meant that we always had somewhere to stay, we were living out of suitcases which is always unsettling. We tried to rent a number of properties, only to lose out to other applicants. In truth, we just weren’t particularly desirable tenants - two self-employed fitness professionals with pets in the middle of a worldwide pandemic and recession. There were other family worries for Lou too, and these were causing her a great deal of stress. To make matters worse, she suffered a number of complications after the miscarriage. She was in a great deal of pain and the doctors were concerned that the medication she was given afterwards had not worked. It was possible that she had an infection, and may need surgery. The pain left her unable to do the one thing she always used as her go to in times of stress - exercise.

I suppose that’s one of the hardest things for us men to understand about miscarriage. For us, it’s a moment of news. Deeply sad news yes, and a feeling of hurt and loss that can go on for a long time. But for the women who experience it, they have to endure the physical side too. Lou’s pain and discomfort went on for weeks, a constant reminder of the loss of the new life she carried inside her. The child she would have cared for every day for the rest of her life.

The loss, and everything else going on, hurt Lou deeply. She struggled with her mental wellbeing, and is still struggling. I think just the sheer volume of everything that had happened in the previous year weighed down on her shoulders. I found it hard yes, but I had more outlets for my stress - I could exercise every day and I was still able to write and post daily to balance. It’s why I turned to writing daily newsletters before Christmas. It helped me as much as I hope it helped you guys. Lou’s first love is teaching yoga, and without a home of our own and the space to deliver it, plus the pain and fatigue she was experiencing, she felt lost.

I could see the change in her too - that vibrant spark of bright energy that so defines her had dimmed just a little. That in itself places strain on a relationship. It’s hard when the person you love is different all of a sudden. It makes sense. Of course, it does. But that doesn’t make it easy to deal with.

Why am I telling you all of this? you may ask. I guess there are a number of reasons why I wanted to share it with you:

1. We’ve always believed that opening up, talking about things, sharing experiences with others, makes them easier to deal with. Bob Hoskins was definitely right - it is good to talk.

2. Because if sharing our experience helps someone else going through similar circumstances, then it’s absolutely worth it. Even if it’s simply for them just to know they are not alone. That others have experienced similar things. That there may be someone they can turn to in order to express how they are feeling. And that as contrived as it may sound, things do get easier in time.

3. More than anything, I guess I really want to reinforce the point we frequently talk about that everyone struggles with their mental wellbeing at one time or another. It doesn’t make you weak, or a lesser person. I know that we aim to come across in a positive way as often as possible through balance. And we do that because we really believe that you have the power within yourself to improve not only your physical, but your mental wellbeing as well, through the things you do every day, the habits you form. But we don’t want people to assume that life is always perfect, or to see a distorted view through the rose-tinted spectacles of social media.

Yes, we’ll remain positive people because that’s who we are. It’s what we help others try to be. Why? Because we know that no matter how much you wish it, you can’t change the past, you can only learn in time to accept it. Instead, we’ll look to the future. After all, who knows what wonderful adventures lie ahead?

If you’re finding things hard right now, for whatever reason, remember that it’s ok to struggle sometimes. It’s ok not to be ok. And when you are ready, it’s good to open up and talk about it with someone. And if you have close family or friends who are going through hard times - please be patient with them. Try your hardest to listen, to understand, to be there. They don’t always want you to try to fix them. They just want you to be there for them when they need you.

Getting to grips with the Locust of Control

The locust of control - naturalists, don’t look too closely, it may be a grasshopper!

When things are bugging you, it’s well worth hopping to it and working on this quick, simple task about your locus of control. That’s locus, not locust, and I promise not to plague you with any more bad jokes based on the similarity between the two. ;-)

What is locus of control?

It’s all to do with how much control you have over something - I use it a lot with clients when looking at things they can do to improve their health, fitness or wellbeing, and in particular when discussing stress management. That’s because one of the main aspects of feeling stressed is that we can feel out of control - anything that helps to tip the scales back in our favour a little bit can be helpful.

There are two parts to your locus of control:

1. External locus - This is the stuff that’s impacting your health, fitness or stress levels that you have no control over. You can’t change it or do anything about it.

2. Internal locus - This is the stuff that you absolutely can do something about; the things you have the power to change.

Taking back control

For the following task, I’ve used stress as the example, partly because as I’ve already mentioned, long-term stress is often connected with feeling out of control, and partly because I know many of us are finding things challenging right now.

You can use it for any health, fitness or wellbeing goal you have though, and in fact, in any aspect of your life where you want to make some changes.

Step 1: Identify the things not in your control

There will always be things we can’t do anything about. With someone struggling with stress, this might be things like:

• Health issues for a loved one

• An existing medical condition of their own

• The state of the economy and possibly even the financial situation of the company you work for

• What the housing market is doing if you’re trying to sell your house

• A worldwide pandemic of a previously unheard of virus

Make a list of the things that could affect your goal that you feel you can’t do anything about.

Step 2: Practice acceptance

I’m not saying this is easy and it won’t work all the time, but if there are things you can’t control or do anything about, there’s no point worrying about them. I’m well aware that this isn’t how stress and anxiety works - it’s not rational and we can worry about things when we know there’s no need. It is still worth practising the art of acceptance though. The same goes for health too - our age, gender, genetics and more can all affect our health and we can’t control them, so we just have to keep practising acceptance that that’s the case.

The simple act of making the list of these things can help you to realise that they’re not within your power and help you to begin letting go some of the worries you have about them. Practising acceptance of them does also, in a strange way, give you more control over them, proving that nothing is truly out of your power to influence positively.

Step 3: Focus on your internal locus

Now it’s time to make your list of the things that are within your control; the things you can do something about to help you achieve your goal. This is the foundation of all of the work we do here at balance - recognising that so much of our health and wellbeing is within our reach by doing the right things. There’s plenty of research to show that the more in control you feel, the better you feel about your wellbeing - you start to see yourself as the pilot of your own destiny.

For stress, this might be things such as exercise, practising coping mechanisms like meditation or breathing techniques, getting into nature, listening to your favourite music and so on.

Whatever your goal, write your list now. Start it as broad as possible - no idea is a bad idea, just get it down as it may well come in useful.

You’ve now got an action plan of things you can do to help yourself, which can feel incredibly empowering.

It can also feel a little overwhelming, as you might have a number of things on your list and not know where to start. Here’s my advice on how to deal with this:

1. Pick the easiest thing on the list to do first

2. Focus on this one thing until you feel you’re on top of it, before picking the next easiest, and so on.

Picking something easy guarantees a quick win, and quick wins will give you a good boost of dopamine, providing the motivation to move onto the next one and keep the ball rolling. It’s that snowball effect; you start small and once it’s rolling, it keeps picking up pace and size and all of a sudden, it’s no longer difficult to do these helpful things, in fact, it’s hard to stop doing them and you feel great!

We’re often tempted to go with the biggest change first, or the one we feel the most pressure to change, like we think that’s what others would expect us to work on, but start simple and get into the habit of being successful.

Step 4: Maintaining momentum

Changing just one or two things on your list might be enough to help you achieve what you’re after, so it’s entirely up to you how many things you work on over time - it’s all about finding the right balance for you. Do consider that it’s always good to have a goal and to be challenging yourself - it’s what gives us the motivation to improve.

If you do happen to master all of the things on your internal locus list, you can always revisit your external locus list and see if there’s anything on there that you now feel you have more power to be able to change for the better..

Coming back to this task frequently and over time, gradully building the size of your internal locus list will allow you to feel like you are more in control of your own destiny. And with more control, comes less stress and a feeling of balance.

What's it like living with depression?

Some of you will have read my blog a few months ago about habits to help beat depression. You’ll know that this year I’ve had to face the challenge of living with depression for the first time in my life really. I thought I’d share with you a little about what it’s like so that you might better understand and be able to help others you know who will experience it. Of course, these are just my experiences and everyone is different so always bear that in mind and remember three things…

1) Nobody is defined by an illness, no matter what it is. They are not the illness, they are still themselves, they just happen to have a condition

2) Listen - never presume you know what it’s like, even if you’ve been through it yourself. Each person’s experience is different, so take time to listen to them

3) Ask - find out from them how you can best help and be patient, they won’t always know the answer straight away.

What is it like for me?

• Let’s start with what it’s not - it isn’t a constant thing, it comes and goes, sometimes suddenly, sometimes creeping up over days. Sometimes it lasts a few hours, sometimes it lasts a few days. Many days it isn’t there at all whilst on others it’s ever-present

• It also isn’t feeling sad, down or upset, rather it’s feeling empty, lacking in my usual drive to get on and do things which for me is a weird experience. All of my life has always been so driven thinking about my next work or exercise challenge, pushing myself to the next level. But when I feel like this, it’s a challenge to do more than a few hours of work each day, it exhausts me. Many people I’ve worked with find it hard to get the motivation to exercise when they feel this way; for me it’s the complete opposite - the simplicity of putting one foot in front of the other or jut turning those pedals appeals greatly, it’s the effort of thinking for work that’s the real challenge

• Some people might say ‘but you know how to deal with this as it’s you job to help people, so why don’t you just do the things you should and snap out of it?’ It doesn’t quite work like that; depression has many causes and the habits I talk about in balance are just one part of the process of recovery. They definitely help, I know they do - I exercise, I eat well, I drink very little and I don’t smoke or do drugs and all of these habits make me feel good

• The one area I have struggled with is socialising - it’s a strange contradiction as you know that being around people is good for you, yet the malaise you feel makes it hard for you to get out there. Withdrawal is a common challenge in depression and I’ve not quite worked out how to overcome this one yet. I find myself deliberately waiting in bed until my housemate has gone to work, not wanting to communicate. I think you also sometimes don’t want to be seen when you’re not on top of your game, or maybe that’s just me because I think I feel the pressure to always be energised and positive because of what I do

• That pressure to be ‘Mr Balance’ is a bigger one for me than I’d ever thought it would be. One of the main points of balance is that none of us is perfect, myself included - we all have days where we can’t be bothered to exercise, where we make poorer food choices, where we don’t feel perfectly balanced, but I’ve felt more expectation on me in recent times to be ‘perfect’. As an example, I recently posted a little rant on my personal page as I was just frustrated with the state of the world and with many people - I wasn’t feeling depressed or down that day, it’s normal to have a balance of emotions. We should feel positive, happy and energised at times, whilst at others we might feel anxious, sad or tired; most of the time we’ll probably just sit somewhere in the middle feeling not very much at all. For whatever reason, my whinge led to many well-meaning checks that I was ok - I guess it’s my own fault having created the persona of balance. Funnily enough, it was this that actually made me feel down that day, as if I was expected to be Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela (and I don’t look like either of them…yet).

I started this short blog piece with some suggestions about things you should do with those challenged by depression, so I’ll finish with some considerations for what not to do:

1) I probably wouldn’t ask if they’re ok - they’re not right now. Instead, treat them as you normally would - talk about football, Love Island, the annoying lady at work, just be how you always are with them

2) Don’t make suggestions - ‘why don’t you…’ or ‘have you tried…’ aren’t always what’s required. As I said at the start, listen to them if and when they want to talk and then ask what would be most helpful for them.

Have a balanced week all (and remember, that means ups, downs and just fair to middling).

Paul